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As outlined in my ‘Note To Reader’ post I set a goal to share with you my readers the personal narrative that was the foundation of my published book – ‘A Journey Of Actual Death Experiences’. This is my first recount of my diary entries that I originally penned on; 13/04/2013 – so now four years later we will review and offer fresh perspective of my penned entry..
Originally Authored: 13/04/2013 [05:07 am] GMT
No-one would be able to tell the physical pain I am suffering 24/7. My head burns, and the burning sensation shifts, rolls down – sometimes one part remains burning while the shifting sensation flows over other parts of my head. I understand this is happening to me, and I have learnt how to avoid being detected. I simply focus hard on the person I am with and in doing such, I manage to conceal the suffering I am in.
However, this then creates other problems, as I am focusing so forcefully that I am not concentrating on the other persons conversation, and with the natural deafness, [caused in my childhood years] that I have – combined with the need to focus, I am hardly able to hear the conversation at all, and this on its own is so very, very frustrating; especially as my ability to hear changes from day to day.
Now considering this has been part of my life every single day of the week for the last 21 years, [since August 31st 1992]; my immediate family and friends just accuse me of having ‘selective hearing.’ It does upset me because they don’t know, and are so wrong about me – all the time.
Today, the burning and loudness was fierce, and sitting here now writing this journal, I can feel the burning sensation in three separate places. The loudness itself alone is horrendous.
End of Entry
Four Years On …
What exactly is post-traumatic stress disorder?
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can occur after a person has been through a traumatic event. These events can include:
During a traumatic event, people think that their life or the lives of others are in danger. They may feel afraid or feel that they have no control over what is happening. And if the person has a TBI, [Traumatic Brain Injury] too, these feelings of lack of control and fear can balloon into confusion, challenges with memory, or intense emotion.
Signs and symptoms
Generally, symptoms of PTSD can occur when a person re-experiences the traumatic event, tries to avoid thinking about the event, or is experiencing high levels of anxiety related to the event. Some of the most common symptoms include:
- Having recurrent nightmares
- Acting or feeling as though the traumatic event were happening again, sometimes called a “flashback”
- Being physically responsive, such as experiencing a surge in your heart rate or sweating, to reminders of the traumatic event
- Having a difficult time falling or staying asleep
- Feeling more irritable or having outbursts of anger
- Feeling constantly “on guard” or like danger is lurking around every corner
- Making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event
- A loss of interest in important, once positive, activities
- Experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love
Depending on the source of the traumatic event, people respond differently. In many cases of sexual assault upon women, the sexual assault could have such a profound effect upon the woman that she will literary ‘block out’ the reality of the assault. In some extreme cases when the sexual assault is related back to an event of past childhood sexual abuse, the victim will regress back to her childhood years, comprehending within her ‘thought process’ her acknowledgement of the past childhood sexual abuse as a traumatic event that took place in which she will ‘re-live’ within her conscious thought process – forcing the most recent sexual assault to not be acknowledged.
On August 31st 1992 – the head injury I suffered wasn’t a blow to the head as such. It was basically an incident that suddenly generated an ‘immense shock’ (PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). During the assault, everything around me appeared in slow motion. The incident went on for quite a while. The following morning, I awoke with the burning pain and the hearing impairment, and my ADEs then suddenly increased to once a week/fortnight. I was now unable to go outside in the daylight. I could not produce a natural sleep. I could not walk into a room where the radio was playing.
As I’ve been having the ADEs since 1987, but didn’t have any burning/loudness sensations prior to August 31st 1992, we know the ‘change’ in the make-up of my ADEs [frequency] and the ‘burning/loudness’ sensation is not causing the ADEs but that the head injury had an impact on the ADEs themselves.
In my ADEs, I have been taught that we have three levels of consciousness, 1) the conscious, 2) the sub-conscious, and 3) the higher conscious. Each level interacts with each other and is required to remain intact. If damage occurs between the conscious and the sub-conscious link – mental illness, (voices, illusions etc) occurs. If damage occurs between the conscious and the higher conscious link – the result is the coma. Normally as the levels interact with each other, you’ll never have three conscious states active at the same time. If you are awake it’s the conscious level that the primary awareness. When asleep it’s the sub-conscious that is the primary awareness – etc. The higher conscious is the link between the two states but it never becomes the primary conscious state, as it is stimulated by parts of the brain we are still yet to explore.
I believe due to what I was experiencing on a daily/hourly occurrence that the head injury caused my higher consciousness to be activated in becoming the primary conscious state – hence reason for being able to absorb other people’s emotions, energy, and knowledge – and then the sudden change in my ADEs.
In a sense my higher consciousness was repairing the damage caused to my conscious state by the head injury.
I have a memory of writing a letter to the police in which I wrote the words,
“he might as well held a gun to my head and pulled the trigger.”